Good evening!  Professor Mal Archaic here, and once again we find ourselves, do we not, at the Friday jamboree called “Health and Safety Film Night” at the ,& club.

Tonight, I address you on the rather important issue of standardisation of sports equipment.  Without this, it is not a level playing field.  A hockey match can be a disaster. It’s simply not cricket.  As evidence, I offer up this 1950s sports coach film, made on location at St Trinians school for young ladies…. See if you can spot the nonstandard sports equipment…. ROLL the film, Rufus!